“Lance Armstrong Con— Oh, Wait I don’t Care”

Hey everyone! Let’s make a pact: Let’s not talk about Lance Armstrong anymore. Cool? So many people are talking about him! They don’t need us, too! I mean, I get it. It’s “news” or whatever. But let’s give him the toddler acting out treatment and just take a break.

He made some pretty bad decisions. He avoided being held responsible for those pretty bad decisions for an incredibly long time. I’m not even mad! That’s impressive! But for whatever reason, people are really upset. But, you know what? I don’t get it. Here’s a mish-mosh list of why I don’t care:

1. No one cared about cycling before.

This might be a controversial opinion, but I am of the mind that no one cared about cycling before Lance Armstrong. “HE’S DONE SO MUCH DAMAGE TO THE SPORT OF CYCLING.” Calm down, person saying that. He didn’t damage anything that he didn’t sort of build himself.

“I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it!” – Lance Armstrong, probably

2. Livestrong is still an excellent organization.

They’re doing good work. It’s a bummer that they’re taking some heat from his fall from grace, but I sincerely hope they regain it. That backstock of yellow bracelets won’t wear themselves.

3. Wait, there are COURTS?

I am learning so much about doping, you guys. There are courts! And legal issues? I didn’t realize we took this so seriously. It all feels very dramatic and intense and also sort of unnecessary? Let’s just go back to playing stick ball and pick up games with Julio down by the schoolyard. Oh, the days of innocence!

4. His coffee shop is a ball joke.

Juan Pelota. Come on. That’s classic.

5. There are way more important things going on.

A guy maybe got Catfished! Gun control! Global issues! Monkeys in IKEA! GIFS! What you’re having for lunch! Think about those things!

I know we loved him and we all feel like jilted lovers standing in the rain holding boomboxes and crying, but if we don’t pay attention to him, we get asked out to the prom by the hottest guy/girl in school or something. Haters gonna hate. Lances gonna Lance and lose their Olympic medals. Let’s just close our eyes a while, not mention it and maybe it’ll all stop showing up in our Twitter feeds.

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